Crookshanks is Dreaming
by blue artemis
Summary: Crookshanks is dreaming. Disclaimer: Everything belongs to JKR and associates. I own nothing.
1. Evil Kakneazle

The crowd was cheering wildly. The ramps were set up properly, the flaming hoop was ready.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, Evil Kakneazle!" The announcer intoned energetically.

The orange, squash-faced cat-like creature was dressed in his white leather star spangled outfit. He was riding his specially modified motorcycle with four foot rests. He did one loop around the arena, then another. Then he sped up and raced up the ramp, he made it through the flaming hoop and landed safely on the other side.

The crowd went wild.

Evil Kakneazle took off his helmet and bowed to the crowd. "Miaow! Miaow!" He acknowledged their support.

"Hey look, Hermione!" Ginny called her friend over. "I think Crooks is dreaming."


	2. Iron Chef HogwartsFamiliar Edition

"Welcome to Iron Chef Hogwarts--Familiar Edition!" Severus Snape's velvet voice echoed through the Great Hall. "To my right we have Mrs. Norris--beloved familiar of Argus Filch." This was said with great delight. To my left we have Crookshanks. He belongs to Miss Granger." This was said rather dryly

"The secret ingredient today is...Fresh Rat! Allez Cuisine!"

Lee Jordan then took over as commentator. "Look at that fur fly! It appears that Crooks has a few dishes going, rat tartare, rat and bacon quiche, ratloaf and rat thermidore! Mrs. Filch is making sauteed rat, rat and tuna casserole, ratatouille (hey, does that actually have rat in it?) and ugh, rat a la mode?"

Both cat-chefs were working madly, all four limbs going, and yes, the fur flying. At the end of the hour, they presented their dishes.

Lee Jordan announced "our judges, Fawkes, Hedwig and the Great Squid are all ready to taste the dishes."

All three judges very seriously tasted all the dishes, muttering favorably over everything except the rat a la mode. They all conferred, and delivered their decision to Severus to announce.

"The winner of Iron Chef Hogwarts--Familiar Edition is...Crookshanks!" He intoned gravely. "Congratulations to this wonderful familiar!"

Everyone wondered what had brought about this change in Severus Snape's tone. Then they saw what he had. The ratloaf had little minature rat paws as part of the presentation. One of those paws was silver.

The Great Hall exploded in cheers.

"Hey look, Hermione!" Ginny declared. "Crooks is dreaming again!"


	3. I'm Too Sexy For My Fur

The model was a vision of perfection. He walked down the catwalk with an innate grace. He reached the end of the runway and posed, baring his teeth, the absolute picture of fierceness. The collar he was showing off was framed to perfection. Tyra and Ms. J were quite pleased.

"He's come a long way, who would have thought he could manage that walk. He was such a disaster when he started!" Ms. J turned to Tyra to get her opinion.

"Oh, yes, and he managed fierce without scaring the pants off everyone!" Tyra exclaimed with delight.

They all returned to the studio.

"I hold one last picture. Hogwarts Next Top Model is...Crookshanks!" Tyra overenunciated as always. The rest of the models all crowded around to congratulate the squishy-faced cat.

"Hey, Hermione, look at this!" called out Ron. "I think Crookshanks is dreaming."

Harry looked up. "That cat sure sleeps a lot!"


	4. Survivor Hogwarts

"...And you were horrid, eating all the rats without letting us have any, fishing then hiding it, using your balance and claws to win all the challenges, you were such a CAT! So, what do you have to say for yourself? Why should we vote for you?" Hedwig finished a long diatribe and looked at Crookshanks pointedly. Fawkes, Mrs. Norris, Pigwidgeon and Trevor all looked on with interest.

"Miaow!" Translated this means "I am a cat, you great ball of feathers. I am supreme. Nothing is better than a cat. Heck we were worshipped in Egypt and should still be worshipped today. Have you not ever heard the saying: dogs have owners and cats have support staff? Of course I should win. Fang just drooled everyone to death!"

The animals all voted. The votes were all pulled from the Goblet of Fire, by the headmaster, one by one. One vote: Crooks!, one vote: Fang!, another vote: Fang!, another vote: Crooks!...And the final vote: Crookshanks! Crookshanks is the winner of Survivor Hogwarts! He wins the year's worth of tartare dinners of the seafood of his choice, with warm cream for dessert and a special elf-made cat bed!"

The cheers were almost deafening. Crooks bowed his head in acknowledgement. "Miaow!"

Harry looked bemused. "Hey Hermione, does this cat do anything other than sleep? I think he's dreaming again!"


	5. The Great Swordfish Tin Caper

Pigwidgeon flew frantically into the room where Crookshanks was working quietly.

"Hoot, whoot, whoo!" he called softly into the room. Translated this meant, "get a move on, the witch is returning soon, and she's going to be furious if she catches us!"

Crooks took his tools, which included his claws, a Sugar Quill, 3 dice, one pair of bunny slippers and Luna's bottlecap necklace, and strung together a small pulley. He used the pulley to get the last tin of Hawaiian smoked swordfish out of Professor McGonagall's desk, out the window, and down to the Gryffindor girl's dorm. He quickly gathered everything back up and leaped out the window, just as the Deputy Headmistress was walking in her office door.

She opened her desk drawer, ready to open her tin and enjoy a lovely snack as Tabby, but was thwarted when the fish was nowhere to be found.

She threw some powder into the floo and yelled angrily: "Albus! You canna' keep saying you don't know who is stealing my fish! I canna' believe anyone other than you is getting through my wards!"

Albus knew better than to answer his deputy when she was angry enough to show her brogue.

Down in the girls dormitory, the orange cat and the small owl were enjoying the last of the fish.

"Whoot!" Pigwidgeon hooted contentedly. Translated this meant: "great job, Crooks!"

"Miaow!" Crookshanks responded. "It is good to get the job done."

"Hey Hermione!" called Neville. "Your cat is being twitchy in his sleep. Did he get into some of the Weasley products?"

"Nah," answered Harry. "He's probably just dreaming again."

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A/N: slasher454 said they would like to see Crooks as McGuyver. Here's my take on it.


	6. I'm a Lover, Not a Fighter

Pansy Parkinson's new white Persian cat was slowly walking toward the castle from the Forbidden Forest, when all of a sudden, Fang came rushing at her barking madly. She was just about to run, when a streak of orange ran at the large, barking dog and swiped at his nose with sharp claws.

Fang stopped short, whimpered and then turned back and fled back to Hagrid's hut with his tail between his legs.

The beautiful white cat was standing right where she had been when Fang had started his attack, on four trembling legs. Her orange-colored savior bowed his head.

"Miaow!" he said, "My lady, would you like me to escort you back to the castle?"

"Mrrrp!" she responded. "Oh, yes. You are so brave and wonderful to stop that horrid dog from attacking me!"

The two cats made their way back to the castle together.

Later that evening, Crookshanks wandered out to Hagrid's hut with a large piece of raw steak.

"Miaow!" he called out, "Hey, Fangie, here's your steak! Great job being scary. It totally worked!"

Lavender called out to Hermione, "Hermione, does your cat have epilepsy or something? He's seriously twichy!"

"I bet he's just dreaming about Pansy's new familiar," said Seamus, "Thinks he's a feline Don Juan, I'm sure!"

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A/N: Thanks to HermioneDiggory for the idea. She wanted to see Crooks as Don Juan


	7. Crooklock Holmes

A/N: The title and idea come from Christev!

"Trevor, we really need to find out what has happened to all the salmon!" declared Crookshanks. "I bet that the giant squid has corrupted one of the house-elves and the rest of us have to pay for it. You get along with the tadpoles along the shore of the Great Lake, go find out if my hunch is true!" Of course, this basically sounded like, "Miaow, mrr, prrpt!"

Trevor dutifully hopped slowly out of the castle to find out if the missing salmon had anything to do with the Giant Squid.

Crookshanks waited impatiently for his partner to return from outside, forgetting that Trevor was just not as agile or quick as a cat. He decided to sleep in a nice warm beam of sunshine while he waited.

Trevor had gotten as far as the kitchens when he overheard a conversation between Mippy, the kitchen elf, and Winky, who was serving the headmaster.

"Yes, Winky, we has removed salmon from the menu. We knows the headmaster is allergic," stated Mippy.

"Good," said Winky. "I don't wants my Master gettings sick!"

Trevor went back to Crookshanks and repeated what he had heard.

"Well, of course! It is elementary my dear Trevor. The headmaster is far more important than the Squid!" declared the self-satisfied cat. "I'm so glad I thought of going to the kitchens!" To the ignorant observer, this sounded like "Miaow, purrrr, mpht!"

"Of course," replied Trevor, "Of course." This sounded quite a bit like, "Ribbit, crroaak!"

Dean said to Hermione, "Couldn't you give your cat some calming draught? He doesn't stay still enough to sketch properly, not even in his sleep!"

"He's dreaming!" sounded the chorus from most of the rest of the Gryffindors. "He does that a lot!"

Crookshanks woke up at the noise, turned his nose and his tail up, and walked slowly up to Hermione's bedroom, not even glancing at the amused humans he left in his wake.


	8. Crookshanks, Hogwarts Ranger

a/n: This is for dynonugget, who suggested Chuck Norris.

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The ghosts were acting funny, so much so that the familiars had noticed. Crookshanks took it upon himself to see what was going on.

"Miaow! Mrr, phtsshp?" he asked Moaning Myrtle. "Hi, ghosty girl! What in the heck is going on?"

"Nothing you could help us with, Crooks. Someone is trying to exorcise all the ghosts out of the castle, and they are going to succeed, too, they found the standing stones! We are dooooooooomed!" cried Myrtle.

Well, life in the castle would certainly not be the same without the ghosts, and cats (and kneazles) are creatures of habit, therefore, Crookshanks thought to himself, iI really must stop this!/i

He gathered the usual suspects, Fawkes, Trevor, Fang and Hedwig, and they set off to stop the unneeded exorcism of the castle.

When the set of familiars got to the standing stones, they discovered Dolores Umbridge and Cornelius Fudge with a few minions in the middle of a ritual circle, frantically casting spell after spell over a smoking cauldron.

The familiars looked at each other and nodded. All of a sudden, there was a great commotion, both birds were swooping down on the witches and wizards, Fang was knocking people over and Trevor did what he did best, and made sure the cauldron exploded. (You don't mean you thought iNeville/i was the one who did that?)

Crookshanks knew he had to stop it once and for all, so with a mighty leap, he aimed a roundhouse kick, claws and all at Dolores's chin. Well, one of them, anyway. Once he had knocked her back into a standing stone, he leaped again, and did the same to Cornelius.

The ghosts were saved! The familiars rejoiced. Myrtle declared her thanks and devotion quite fervently.

"Miaow!" declared Crookshanks. "'Twas nothing, ghosty girl! All in a day's work for Crookshanks, Hogwarts Ranger!"

Seamus stood up a wee bit cross-eyed, after having been kicked by the twitching half-kneazle. "Hey Hermione, you need a warning sing for this guy! My familiar is dreaming, approach at your own risk!"

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	9. Crookshanks the Vampire Slayer

"Once a generation, a familiar is called to protect the innocent students of Hogwarts. Only one, brave of heart, has the strength to repel the vampires that live in the Forbidden Forest. This chosen one is known as the Slayer."

Crookshanks looked up wondering where the voice-over was coming from. He glanced around and shrugged. It was time to patrol again.

He picked up his little bag of stakes and headed out for the Forbidden Forest. He had made it to the front steps when all of a sudden he was joined by a toad and a small fidgety owl.

"Hssst, pssst, hshssshssh," hissed Crookshanks. "Pig, Trevor, go back to the dorms!"

"Whoo!" responded Pig. "Not on your life. You aren't the only one who likes to hunt!"

"Ribbit," said Trevor. "This is better than Potions class, and less dangerous."

Crookshanks decided to let them come along as it was easier than arguing, and Mrs. Norris was less likely to want to join in.

The little band of familiars was walking (or flying, or hopping) the perimeter of the lake when all of a sudden, a large shadow fell over them. The three moved behind the nearest bush to see what was causing the shadow.

A dark man was cutting some plants from the edge of the lake. He was pale, dressed in black, and had a prominent nose.

"Miaow, miaow, yowwl!" said Crooks. "Trevor, Pig, get out there and distract him. I will stake him from behind!"

The two sidekicks dutifully went about their business. Pig batted his wings around the dark man's head, while Trevor came up behind him and tripped him as he was trying to get Pig away from him.

The man went down hard, and Crookshanks leaped upon him and jabbed him with the stake. The man went up in a cloud of dust.

Crookshanks and his gang returned to the castle happily, secure in the knowledge that they had made the school just that much safer.

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Severus felt a small pinprick of pain on his thigh, set aside his book and looked down to see Hermione's arthritic old half-kneazle poking him and snoring at the same time.

"Hermione, would you please tell me why your cat has decided to pounce on me in his sleep while holding a toothpick?"

"I'm sorry, Severus. His dreams have gotten far more physical as he's gotten older."

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A/N: This was written for droxy's birthday. She said she liked Crookshanks and vampires, and well, I'm a weirdo.

A/N2: Many thanks to Annie for the beta!


End file.
